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DotW: Dear Shiloh

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  WARNING: this story contains adult content and references of sexual manipulation, suicide, humiliation, and thoughts of infanticide. Viewer discretion is advised.  


I'll never forget the night I left Riverfell.


I had sworn an oath, upon my life, to always be there to protect it and the creatures within its borders. The pack had given me so much and taught me so much. I had naively thought that perhaps, times were changing -- females were no longer viewed as primarily Hunters and Sages; that perhaps, with my admittance into the paws of the Gold Feathers, our time had finally come. 

I was wrong.

I fled that night, though I sometimes wish I had stayed. Maybe then, they would have killed me, and put me out of my misery. It seemed a fate more appropriate for an oathbreaker. Instead, I would be known far and wide as a deserter; a Gold Feather stripped of her honors and titles and cast out. 

Because of you.

The Alpha's only son, Pyre, had always been undamnable. Nothing the little lord ever did was worthy of punishment. When we were younger, we knew each other, though we were far from friends. He, the heir of Riverfell and me, the daughter of a retired, yet honorable Gold Feather and his mate, a renowned Sage. My father told me I would be the best Hunter Riverfell had ever seen, but he was wrong. 

I would be the best Gold Feather the pack had ever seen. 

Larger than any other female in the pack, I possessed strength and cunning. When I first admitted to my father that I wanted not to be a Hunter, but a Gold Feather, he was horrified -- not because he believed I could not do it, but because it would mean I would always be criticized and judged because I was female. 'The road will be hard,' he said, 'and full of trials and tribulations I could not imagine.' I told him I was ready for it.

Out of respect for my father, I was allowed to train to be a Gold Feather. The Alphas and their heirs are often Gold Feathers themselves, so Pyre trained with me and a handful of other young wolves. Whatever they had to do, I had to do ten times better in an effort to prove I was their equal. When they had to run up the mountain, I had to already be on my way back from the peak. When they took down an elk, mine had to be a bull in its prime. When they had to stand guard at night, my watch was twice as long.

Eventually, the elder Gold Feathers and our instructors agreed that I had proven my worth. I graduated with my peers -- including Pyre -- and was allowed to visit the Nest of Siamsa and choose my feathers. I wore them proudly, despite the jeers. I learned to ignore them, though a part of me still yearned to feel wanted and accepted.

No male had ever expressed an interest in me, which in my youth, I enjoyed. I knew Gold Feathers were discouraged from taking mates or having pups until they had served Riverfell successfully for several seasons. But when the Alpha's son approached me late one night and apologized for the way he had treated me during our education, I felt something I had never felt before. He was handsome and charming and all of the other female Hunters within the pack lusted for him. I resisted for several months and fought hard to suppress my feelings for him, but deep down, I had grown to care for him and admire him from a distance. He made me feel accepted and I believed, that with his support for my efforts to be the first female Gold Feather, maybe we would usher in a new era for other females to pursue similar careers.

As I mentioned before, I was wrong. So terribly, terribly wrong.

He wooed me one night after I had finished my watch. Meeting me in the darkness of the forest, I could tell he wanted me like no male had ever wanted me — and I wanted him. It all felt like a dream at first, his voice so soothing and laced with sincerity. Despite my hesitation, he kissed me and held me in ways I had never known. Before I knew it, he had taken me, and it wasn't until after our passion had ended that I realized we were not alone. We had never been alone. There in the darkness were eyes -- the eyes of my peers, those who had never believed in me, those who criticized me mercilessly. They laughed and jeered just as they had always done.

I had been set up.

Pyre told me I had performed as expected of any other female. His interest in me never extended beyond his yearning to destroy me and the life I had built for myself. Who would believe my word over his on what had happened? Fleeing in horror, I ran to my father and told him everything. But he did not blame Pyre, or the eyes in the darkness -- he blamed me, his flesh and blood. He cursed me and told me I had brought dishonor upon him. So I fled again. This time, to the Nest of Siamsa in an effort to gain her forgiveness and seek some counsel. 

But she was silent.

Pyre told his father, Saerian the Bold, what had happened; how I had lusted after him in an attempt to distract and disrupt his duties as a Gold Feather. He even went so far as to accuse me of abandoning my duties and the thing I cherished most -- my pack. Saerian, furiously disappointed by my actions, sent his son and a handful of Gold Feathers to find me. I was escorted back to an assembly of the pack and there, in front of everyone I had ever known, my titles and feathers were unjustly stripped from me. I was left with nothing.

Except for you.

It took a few weeks for me to realize the extent of Pyre's actions. After consulting my mother, a Sage, I learned the damage had been done and I was pregnant with his children. I no longer held a task and spent a majority of my days avoiding looking anyone in the eye. When I realized I was carrying the children of a male who had seemingly destroyed my entire life simply because I wished to be treated as an equal, I fled again. This time for good. 

I told no one.

Just as I had done in my youth, I considered taking my own life. Everything I had worked so hard to achieve was gone. I had no family, no pack, no purpose, and lacked any desire to live. I found I was not capable of most means of taking one's life, as I could not stomach the idea of plummeting into the depths of an abyss from a fatal jump, or consuming poisoned herbs. So I refused food and constantly kept moving for my entire pregnancy. The night I went into labor was uneventful. The pain was nothing compared to my training and the motionless bodies I produced were disappointing. All stillborn, of course. Part of me was relieved to no longer be carrying around what I had believed were a belly full of parasites -- sucking out my life and draining me of all that had once made me strong and powerful. 

It wasn't until I prepared to bury the tiny bodies that I realized you were still alive.

Part of me hated the sight of you. So small and frail and painted with Pyre's pelt colors. You squirmed and cried as I nosed cold dirt over you. I would not raise his children. I could not. I wanted you to die almost as much as I wanted myself to die. None of us deserved to live.

But your cries...so soft and delicate. They called to me as I walked away. I had nearly cleared the area when I noticed you had finally gone silent.

And it was in that silence that I realized I needed you.

I raced back to where I had left you and vowed then and there to always protect you. Somehow, I had almost become something I hated more than anything -- Pyre and his ilk. I looked down upon you as a curse, something that did not deserve all that life could offer. I treated you no differently than my father had treated me. I pulled you from your grave and cleaned you. Your cries no longer bothered me. Your weakness and frailty no longer disgusted me. For the first time, something needed me to be alive -- to continue to exist. I was dedicated to making sure I did all I could for you. 

A raven found us not long after you learned to walk. He brought news of Riverfell and told me that Pyre had been killed and my father was missing. Apparently, one of the sets of eyes in the darkness that night did not agree with what had happened. He revealed the truth to the Alpha and my father. Pyre's death was a mystery, though the word around Riverfell was that he had been poisoned and that my father was to blame. Saerian mourned the loss of his only son and heir and vowed to hunt my father down to answer for his crimes. 

I didn't care. Whatever happened within Riverfell was no longer my concern, as raising you was all that mattered. The raven continued, however, and told me that my mother revealed to Saerian and the other Gold Feathers that I had been with child when I disappeared. Search parties had been deployed in an effort to find me -- not because they wanted me to return or because they knew now that I had been wronged, but because they wanted my children. Pyre's children. 

The raven was relieved to have found us. He planned to return to Riverfell with news of my whereabouts and to tell Saerian that I had successfully produced an heir to take the place of his son. They wanted you to grow up within Riverfell and learn all of the things I had been taught. You would know that you were not as worthy as your male counterparts; that you were not meant for greatness and were expected to do as tradition dictated. They would mold you into everything I despised and in the end, ruin you.

I saw the raven look at you, and before he could take flight and return to Riverfell with his news, I took his life. 

No. I would raise you, Shiloh of Riverfell, my daughter, to be more than just another female. I would train you to be more than you ever imagined so that one day, when you are ready, you can return to Riverfell and claim what is yours. You will stand up to injustice and prove that females can aspire to much more than we are credited for. You will do what I could never do because you possess something I never did -- the blood of the respected. They will listen to you, follow you, and come to love you because you are everything that is good and just and exactly what they need -- even if they don't know it yet.

This, I promise you.







Finally had time to sit and draw the little image I wanted to make to go along with this story. In truth, I think it's one of my favorite things of all time that I've written, despite it being a bit....intense at times. D:

It's a sad image (and admittedly was going to be much darker), but this is the beginning of Shiloh's life and how she was brought into the world! YAY FOR ORIGIN STORIES. She didn't have an easy time coming into the world and she's guaranteed not to have an easy time going out of it, either.

Enjoy, I guess? :'D



Artwork, Prose, and Characters © Me





  

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SeleneTheWerewolf's avatar

I love this origin story. I enjoy the modern twist in the tale. This picture of Shiloh is precious and it just radiates how fragile she is as a pup. And how her mother went back to pull from the grave she dug.